Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Hey me,

I am actually really overwhelmed right now. I want to do everything at once right now. I want to do the dishes, I want to play Sims, I want to watch a K-drama, I want to talk to my boyfriend, I want to write a post, I want to cook, I want to order food, I want to go shopping, I want to stay at home, I want to drink something, I want to eat something.

I feel like I am short-circuiting and don’t know which way to go. I am stuck because I want to go in every direction at once.

I can’t even type properly because my desk is annoying me. There are things lying around everywhere, my throat hurts because I am ill. I want to do something, but I am too tired to actually move.

I want to cry, but I can’t. I want to talk to myself, but I won’t.

It’s like I am fighting against myself all the time (OK, only the last couple of days). I feel like I am at war with myself and no one is winning, but everyone is suffering the consequences.

I want to run because I am scared of where I am in life right now, and I want to stay because I am actually extremely happy right now. I want to stay because I am actually feeling more than just fulfilled at the moment. I want to stay to just enjoy where I am, but at the same time I want to break what I have. I want to destroy it because it can’t be real, can it?

It can’t be safe to be this happy. It can’t be safe to actually reach every goal that I have achieved. It can’t be good to fly this high…

It can’t be good… my trigger word… I know that there is an old pattern at the wheel when I hear “good” or “bad”, “right” or “wrong”. So there is something from my past wanting to keep me safe… I would guess that it’s the part of me that has had really bad relationships, but that’s not it… she is actually happy. That is the part of me that is able to enjoy the relationship that I am in right now because it is everything I have ever dreamed of…

It’s deeper… it’s darker… it’s from my childhood… it’s my father? I feel like it’s all the times I thought my father was coming to save me and then he left me exactly where I was… I was waiting for my dad to save me. To rescue me from the hell I was in… but he never came… and when we went to him, when we were finally allowed to live with him, he turned out to be another kind of hell… one that was even worse than the hell I already knew.

Do I feel like this relationship or my partner is saving me from a hell? No. I feel like he is a breath of fresh air… it feels like he is showing me that I am allowed to trust men. It feels like he is showing me that there are actually good men out there, and I feel like that is the thing that scares me.

I have only ever had experiences with men where I was hurt or taken advantage of, so to have someone who seems to be the complete opposite scares me. It feels like the same situation with my dad… I escaped one hell, hoping for things to finally be better and to finally be with the parent that loved me, only to then be disappointed and be treated even worse.

It feels like a pattern to me because every time I escaped a situation, it seemed to only get worse. Every partner I had was, in a way, worse than the last. Every time I got out of something, it seemed to get worse…

I was kind of able to rewrite this pattern by learning that if I actively rejected things that were harming me, things did get better… to the point of having my dream relationship…

But that means I am actively saying yes to this… so what if it turns out to have harmed me and I actively said yes? Would the next situation I get into be worse? If everything always gets worse… how am I supposed to survive this? The last relationship almost killed me… so how am I supposed to be fine with this? How am I supposed to be OK if it turns out to be bad?

The thing is that while I am writing all of this, I am noticing that the spiralling is more a habit than an actual spiral… there is no emotion behind it anymore… at least not as much as there used to be.

Does it hurt to know that this situation reminds me of the times where I thought I was finally safe, only to realise that the abuse was going to carry on in another land with a different parent? Yeah. Do I actually think or feel like this situation is the same? No.

This situation is completely different because this time I am able to walk away if the situation is starting to harm me. I am able to speak up for myself and make decisions for myself. I am also a different person. I have learned to actually be able to depend on myself. I have learned to trust myself, and I have learned to walk away before I have to actually cut myself off.

I trust myself to know when to stay and when to walk.

So yeah, the memories that are triggered by my life at the moment are sad and hurt and scare me. It doesn’t mean I am still that person. It just means that I am allowed to let go of that hurt now and forgive myself for having to endure that.

It’s time to release that resentment towards myself because this time I can actually change things if I want to.

I just don’t want to right now, and that’s OK too.

I understand that that part of me wants to leave to know that I am able to… but I really don’t want to. I really want to stay where I am. I am truly happy. Not just happy, but I actually have someone to share my joy with who is healthy and everything I have ever hoped for.

So I am sorry for not being able to change this situation… but I have proven enough times in the past that I am able to walk away, so now you’re going to have to trust me and give me a chance to prove myself to you in another way.

I hope you can accept that.

Lots of love

Me