Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Hey me,

It’s kinda weird how things change.

I used to be so terrified of reaching my full potential and actually living because what if I make it and lose it? But today I fear dying without having done all the things I want to do. Today I fear leaving someone I love behind or being left behind by the person I love.

I just saw a video of a woman talking about having to choose the last outfit her boyfriend will ever wear and having to lower his coffin into the ground, and how that changes you. I honestly don’t want to go through that. Just the thought of having to go through such a process breaks my heart. Just the thought of not having him by my side is completely and utterly heartbreaking.

Not because I don’t think I could live without him. I know I would be able to.

I can honestly say I would rather he leaves me and lives a happy life with someone else than having to go through seeing him die. I honestly don’t even want to imagine a world where he does not exist.

I also don’t want to imagine a world for him where I don’t exist. I actually fear death right now because I want to have as much time as possible with him. I would honestly feel cheated if he died before we were able to do all the things we want to do. I would feel like it’s unfair. I would feel wronged.

This is the very first time in my life I actually fear death. It used to feel like a good friend to me. Like a welcomed embrace. Now it feels like a threat. I get it now… it’s actually quite scary and I honestly don’t know what to do with this new fear.

At the same time, I feel so grateful because it feels like I have found the love that I have always seen in movies and shows. The kind of love that I would feel most drawn to. The kind of love that was able to truly pull me towards the edge of my seat, make me giggle and kick my feet, or make me hold my heart while crying because the pain was unbearable.

This kind of love is scary. Not in the sense that I am used to. I am used to the toxic and the “fear for my life” kind of love. This is a different kind of scary. This is the kind that makes you fear losing it because the loss is going to be just as great as having it.

That’s OK. I would rather experience this and take that heartache when it’s time than never be able to experience this.

I would like to say that I just hope that I don’t have to be there when it’s his time to go, but it’s not true. It would be OK if I was the one who would have to carry the pain of losing him. I’d be grateful that he wouldn’t have to feel it.

I hate it that I am thinking like this because I am actually genuinely happy. I am sickeningly happy. I feel like I am way too happy, that it’s like eating pure sugar…

We aren’t perfect and we are still learning how to work with each other and having to work on the triggers coming up, but it feels easy… natural.

So it’s OK that I am scared. It’s OK that I am worried. Because for the first time, I am actually not worried about being hurt. I am worried about losing something truly special.

We’ll be ok.

Lots of love

Me