Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Hey me,

I have to admit that I am kinda scared again. I feel like the old me, the one who felt lost and scared all the time. Like the one that made decisions based on patterns, not trust.

I know that I’m not that version anymore. But I have become unreliable again.

I may have kept a forgotten promise and, at the same time, I have started to neglect myself, and I am noticing that I am becoming resentful because of it.

I don’t know how to change that right now though… Right now I want to run and hide so that I can go back to doing everything alone. I want to go back to when I was fine and “impressive”. When people would tell me how much they admired how far I have come… because right now it feels like I have gone back about a hundred steps and it feels like I am starting from the beginning again.

I know it’s not true, and I know that if a friend was in this situation, I would tell them that it’s only natural because I am in a very new situation and I am trying to find my balance, and that I am actually doing really well, but I don’t want to hear that right now… I honestly just want to run right now, and it’s taking everything in me to just stay still and wait.

I want to wait because I would be basing my decision to walk away (or rather run away) on my past experiences and not on my current situation.

My head knows it’s safe. My head knows I am allowed to be where I am, but everything in me wants to run away.

It’s hard, but I am proud of myself for being able to stay and regulate myself.

Thank you for that.

Lots of love

Me